Home > Beckie > How quickly time moves when we don’t want it to

How quickly time moves when we don’t want it to

It’s been a month since we lost Jim.

The first week was the emotional week where we had to plan the visitation, burial and memorial service.  The second week, I had to start the process of becoming financially stable.  The third week, Sarah and I met my parents in New Orleans where we stayed for a week.  (It was our timeshare.  I would have moved it if I could have.  Two things really got me while I was there: 1) He was weeks away from having been able to take Sarah to the zoo for the first time, which he really wanted to do; 2) Sarah kept picking up the hotel phone trying to call Daddy.)  Then, when we got back I landed in chaos because not only did I need to continue the mundane business end of things, but things that I thought were taken care of the week before, weren’t.  (Such as, they cashed the check for the COBRA, but lost the paperwork.)

I really do want to sit still and think about Jim.  Sometimes I will jokingly glare at the beautiful portrait Terry Stearns painted for Sarah and I, as if, “Look at the craziness we are going through now, Buddy.”  I’m not mad at him, just sad.  I try to think of how he would handle certain situations, or how he would attempt prying me off the ceiling. 

My first dream after (it’s even hard to write this) Jim left us, was that I lost Sarah.  I turned around and she was gone.  Yuck, that can be interpreted so many ways.  But, the next dream I remember was fun and I woke up feeling really good.  The three of us were at a county fair and there were these giant ponies.  Sarah wanted on them, Jim was saying he knew she could do it, and I was nervous.  Well, he was right.  The only problem was getting her off the ponies.

I have taken Sarah to the cemetery twice.  I want her to have a good feeling about the place before she really understands what it is.  There are some windchimes a few plots over that Sarah enjoys.  I’m waiting for the day I find them on the ground because Jim cut out the inner, wooden “striker” on the windchime I hung up at the house.  🙂

I am not going to stop writing this blog.  Although, its purpose is going to be altered.  I could write 20 or more blogs on various subjects from the first month alone.  From how to sleep in your bed again, to the importance of being financially prepared, to how to prepare a memorial service.  I understand that I may lose some people now that Jim is gone.  Some of these blogs may be hard to read.  But, I have decided that my ongoing purpose is to eek out everything Jim and this journey had to teach us.

Also, I am going to create another blog for Sarah.  It will be stories and memories about Jim written by you and me.  I have to create it and figure out how to open it up to you.  But, that will be coming soon. 

However, I am going to write my “thank you’s” to all you wonderful people first.  😉  I will go ahead and send a general thank you to everyone who helped me through this.  There are so many of you.  To feel that much love and support has humbled me in a very good way.  Thank you.

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Categories: Beckie
  1. sue cowan
    October 25, 2011 at 10:16 am

    Beckie,
    We continue to pray for you and Sarah. We haven’t met you, but have greatly admired you from the beginning of Jim’s illness until now. You, Sarah, and Jim have touched many hearts. We first met Jim when he and our son, Greg, were in Kindergarten together. We have loved him ever since. He and Greg were great buddies. And, we have loved his parents ever since we met them. We can’t imagine being where you, Jim, Helen, Sarah, and your parents are now, but we know that you are serving God in a special way and that He will continue to be your guide and counselor, and will heal your hurting heart as you touch others with your blog. We are glad that you will continue to write. Remember that you are loved and prayed for by many people.

  2. Arlene & Doug
    October 25, 2011 at 10:21 am

    Beckie, I think about you & Sarah often ( really always) and feel so bad that I was out of town during the time of Jim’s death and services. I came home refresh at first and then the sinus “stuff” hit and I wanted to stay away from you two until it was cured. Things are better now and I’ll be calling you soon. You have proven to be one strong gal during this bad time in your life and I’m so proud of you. We love you like family and feel so helpless at this time. We can do one thing and have been for a while now, and that is pray…. for you, Sarah, & your’s and Jim’s parents. I will see you soon & call me anytime. Love, Arlene

  3. Catherine Mitchell-Baker
    October 25, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    Beckie, There are no thanks needed from this end ! We will ALWAYS LOVE you and Sarah .. you two are our Family and ALWAYS will be ! I wish I could do more to help ease your emptiness and lonliness but as with everything there is something to be learned from it ! I still say anytime you feel the need… or just want to talk … 24X7.. I am a set of willing ears ! Love you ! Big Hugs! So very sorry I won’t be able to see ya’ll this weekend ! Big Jerry and I will be in Chicago @ his neices wedding and we won’t be home until about noon on Sunday ! LOL We are leavin on Thursday @6am … and I haven’t even begun to deside on what I need to take clothes wise !

  4. Betty McNallen
    October 25, 2011 at 8:22 pm

    Writing helps you process the feelings you have and what is going on in your world now.
    Your thoughts may help others consider such ideas themselves.
    I will continue to read and I applaud your bravery as you move forward with your life.
    Betty

  5. Jayne Field
    October 25, 2011 at 9:56 pm

    Dearest Beckie,
    You never cease to amaze me with your maturity and wisdom and natural honesty with all of us who care about each of you. Your ability to look at and think about and write about your feelings and the freedom you feel to share that is a gift. Thank you for allowing us to be a part of this journey that you walk alone dealing with grief, adjustments to a different way of life..but…the road is filled with those of us on the sidelines praying for you, praying for your strength, your comfort, your ability to take one step at a time. as we follow along with love and support.
    I am glad you will continue this blog. You have so much to offer in so many ways. Thru your sorrow and grief, I still hear your smile.
    Know that you and Sarah are being held close.
    Love, Jayne

  6. Jan Budlong
    October 26, 2011 at 11:07 am

    Dear Beckie,
    My thoughts and prayers are with you and Sarah constantly. You and Jim and Sarah have made such a wonderful, positive impact on my life. I miss Jim. I grieve for him, for you, for Sarah, for myself and for all of us who love him. I am so relieved to know that you will continue your blog. You have touched my life in so many ways and it has been so wonderful to be able to connect with you through your blog. I am thankful that will not end. Please bring Sarah and come to visit me and my alpacas. Alpacas are great for grieving. Well, okay, mostly mine are just spoiled and silly but they can definitely provide some comic relief. I try to spend some quality quiet time with them every day and am sure that Sarah would love to meet them, especially the babies! (I have several who love to give “kisses”.) Please stay a part of my life.
    Love Always,
    Your Favorite Waitress (?)
    Jan

    • November 8, 2011 at 10:35 am

      Jan,
      How did you know you are our favorite waitress? Were we that obvious? Thank you for what you wrote and for always being soooo sweet with us. Forget Sarah, I want to come play with your little alpacas! I always threated Jim with getting one for the backyard. When we are more settled, I get in touch about a good time for us to visit.
      With love,
      Beckie

    • November 8, 2011 at 10:40 am

      Jan,
      How did you know you are our favorite waitress? Were we that obvious? Thank you for what you wrote and for always being soooo sweet with us. Forget Sarah, I want to come play with your little alpacas! I always threatened Jim with getting one for the backyard. When everything settles, I’ll get with you about a good time for us to come visit.
      With love,
      Beckie

  7. Billie Cooper
    October 27, 2011 at 8:37 pm

    Beckie,
    You are wise to journal. God is with you, as are your friends. My prayers for you and Sarah.
    DeColores,
    Billie

    • November 8, 2011 at 10:28 am

      Billie,
      Thank you. I have found blogging to organize my thoughts, and force me to be truthful to both you and me.

      Beckie

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