Home > Beckie > I’m tired of Jim being gone

I’m tired of Jim being gone

I feel like I’m having withdrawal symptoms or something.  I have been reluctant to clean certain things (mirrors, hair-dryer, handles…) because I’m sure his fingerprints are there.  Well, while looking for a legal description of our house, I came across a full set of his fingerprints done by the Dept. of Public Safety.  I melted on the spot because that’s exactly what I needed. 

I also need that dry-humor, ability to see the world slightly differently and ability to pry me off the ceiling.  The latest thing to put me on the ceiling, you ask?  That legal description that I mentioned above, well, it seems the title company filed the legal description and plat for the empty lot next to us that belongs to JCISD – not our property.  Since this was nine years ago, the title company is now pulling our file from off-site…

Washing clothes is way too easy now.  I have to combine Sarah’s clothes with mine to make a remotely decent-sized load to wash.  And now, if something gets shrunk, I don’t have anyone else to blame it on.  I miss folding his giant shirts.  He’s the one who really taught me the “art” of folding clothes.  I never could fold his jeans right though.

I don’t really know how, and this is kind-of funny, but somehow Jim produced a lot of trash.  I’d swear our trashcan was always full by trash-pickup-day.  Now, it’s one kitchen bag and a diaper genie.  I’m filling up the rest with wood from our never-will-burn-because-of-the-drought pile.  Jim always accused me of being a boarder-line hoarder.  So I like Tupperware, ok?  And maybe I tend to pile papers, but they aren’t big piles.  However, I am creating a good sized recycling pile.  I’m being very careful though.  It’s pretty much 3+ years (pregnancy, newborn, illness) of old magazines, catalogues and newspaper clippings.

Food.  Now I only have my picky 2 year old to tell me she doesn’t like my cooking.  Actually, he really liked it when I made my Mom’s meatloaf.  I like to tease him about it because it’s a Yankee recipe.  Thanksgiving will be a little hard because he won’t be there to make fun of my family’s white bread stuffing.   We always had to get him cornbread dressing from a local barbeque restaurant because we were too intimidated by Wilma’s (Jim’s grandmother) cornbread dressing’s reputation.

I know Jim helped me a lot, I gave him full-credit for it at the time and bragged on him whenever possible.  I have never met a more polite and respectful man of my generation.  (However, a future blog will be about how we fought.  It was truly unique and worked really well.)  He was an amazing partner who truly wanted, and tried, to always be fair with me.  A huge part of what bothered him with the chemo was that I had more work to do. 

What really sucks about going through cancer together is that we became closer than we had ever been.  They say that happens if you’ve been together for a long time.  (19 years)  But then, to have him leave…  I’m just tired of him being gone.

  1. Betty McNallen
    November 8, 2011 at 10:40 am

    I love your honesty and the simple way you put your current stage of grieving…you are “tired of Jim being gone”. I think that is so healthy, Beckie. I am tired of my mom being gone because she was my best friend…and she has been gone since December 1975. Chronological time (kronos) is a human construction. God’s time (kairos) is all together different because it ebbs and flows connecting yesterday with this morning with last winter with a spring time in childhood. Please keep writing…you help me when you do. Love, Betty

    • November 8, 2011 at 11:09 am

      Betty, Well, I’m really happy to be able to help you with anything (but especially your mom) since you seem to always be helping me. Thanks for your definitions of time. I like kairos better. With love, Beckie

  2. Karen Weber
    November 8, 2011 at 11:23 am

    You are giving all an honest look at your grief by voicing the simple things like doing the wash and putting out the trash. You give me pause for thought with your beautiful way of expression. Self pity is not part of you and gently you reflect hope. Love, Karen

    • November 8, 2011 at 12:12 pm

      Thanks. I am certainly trying to put self pity out with the trash. I know it doesn’t help, and I have to have hope for Sarah.
      Momma told me about all the friends you have in common. That’s amazing.
      With love,

  3. Jayne Field
    November 9, 2011 at 9:55 pm

    Dearest Beckie,
    As I sat here tonight reading the honest reality of your day to day life without Jim, I marvel at all the little things that make up the whole of our lives. I had never thought about the fingerprints, the trash, the clothes washing. Constant daily reminders. The loss of your soulmate who knew just how to calm you and that wonderful Morris dry humor to add spice to the day. The enormity of the void I cannot begin to comprehend. Grieving is such hard, painful work. But know that those who care about you are still there beside you…praying for your strength, your faith, your solace. I continue to walk this journey with you. Thank you for keeping us all in your circle of love.
    And, I was out of town on your last post. The things you are thinking about with the Johnson City Library are wonderful. What a great and meaningful tribute to Jim that will touch so many lives. I think Jim is smiling about this.
    Love to you and Sarah,

    • November 10, 2011 at 7:55 am

      Thanks for your response. This post was written in particular to warn others and give examples of those little everyday things. But, it will be different for everyone. Thanks for still “walking” with me.
      Sarah and I walked to the library Monday night. I was trying to get her tired… The librarian said the painter had been by earlier that day to start figuring out the best way to place Sarah in the picture. If he places her by the longhorns, she’ll be almost life-size!
      I did figure out Jim didn’t produce that much trash. I’m finally taking the time again to recycle.
      With love,

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