Home > Beckie, Inspirational > There is a time for change

There is a time for change

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Reinhold Niebuhr

I’m just now really starting to be able to move things around without too much anxiety.  Yesterday, I put Jim’s weights in their box, and today I replaced his towel with Sarah’s.  I can’t move much faster than that.  If I do, then I start getting really anxious and I have to put things back.  Don’t laugh.  I’ve really had to do that.  A week or two after we lost Jim, I took pictures of the entire house.  I highly suggest doing this for anyone in my situation; otherwise your entire house turns into one giant memorial that you don’t feel right touching or changing.  And I knew that wasn’t going to be possible with a toddler.

My mind is starting to understand that there is no longer a man in the house, nor anyone to tease me about changing things.  It really feels like I’m undoing a knot in my head, I’m so use to taking Jim into consideration when buying anything for us or the house.  I’ve put off doing so many things since September 2008; pregnant, infant and then Jim.  It was necessary, and ok, but things are starting to bug me.  For now, I’m simply adjusting things and throwing away anything that has no “memory-value.”

I’ve kept the house basically clean ever since Jim’s diagnosis.  However, I must admit it’s amazing how you cannot see dust build-up and spots when you are in survival mode.  I’m doing double-takes at all sorts of things thinking, “When did it get that dirty?”  So, I’m doing a lot of on-the-spot cleaning.  Sarah was just a doll when she looked under our claw-foot bathtub, with her flashlight, looked at me and said, “Dirt,” with really big eyes.  She was tugging on my arm to get me to look under the tub too, while I was telling her, “Yes, honey, I know it’s there.”  Then, she was kind enough to go get her Swiffer for me.  😉

Update: Sarah and I are physically feeling better.  Unfortunately, a week of no daycare, inconsistent rule enforcement and lots of in-bed-Mommie-snuggling has now made for some explosive temper tantrums.  I mean – wow.  I did it, so now I have to undo it.  Once it starts, there is a lot of back turned to her, ignoring on my part.  It seems to shorten the time having a tantrum.  Watching her half infuriates me and half breaks my heart because she’s just not in her head.  As I can tell, the tantrums either begin as a miscommunication because I don’t understand what she’s trying to say, or she doesn’t want to stop playing.  Many times I seem to thwart something she is trying to do for me.  It’s sweet and unexpected, so I’m accidentally not enabling her.  Jim and I were so good at tag-teaming with her that I really miss his help.  Not that I’ve stopped asking him for it…

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  1. Jayne Field
    March 1, 2012 at 9:21 pm

    Dearest Beckie,
    You do continue to amaze me with each and every post your write. Your honestly in sharing your thoughts, feelings, frustrations and all the things you have had to learn in this process of grieving and adjusting to life without Jim…Thank you for sharing all of these thoughts. It helps me stay in touch and keep in touch with you and Sarah. I have continued to leave
    Jim’s picture on the side of my desk. It is a reminder to me each and everytime I reach over to get something out of the tray. What a wonderful family the Morris family is…
    And the memorial is so wonderful. Thank you for sharing the pictures. I can picture exactly where it is with the tree. The design is very special. I know you put much thought into getting it just the way you wanted it to look.
    I am grateful that you have allowed us all to continue on in your journey. Know that I keep all of you in my prayers and my thoughts.
    Love,
    Jayne

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