Home > Beckie, Inspirational > My God is a loving God

My God is a loving God

“I bet you are really mad at God.”

I have heard this a few times.  And I always answer, even since Jim’s diagnosis, “No, not really.”  Which is something people don’t expect me to say.  I have always been really mad at the situation, still am, but not at God.  However, most people don’t know I’ve already faced down fierce anger with God for unjust, senseless deaths.

During my senior year, on December 6th, 1991, two friends (Jennifer and Sarah Harbison – they were sisters) and two girls I knew (Eliza Thomas and Amy Ayers), were murdered.  In Austin, it’s known as the Yogurt Shop Murders.  Many of my high school friends were sent into an emotional tailspin for a long time.  Then, in September 1992, the best-friend I had just made at Baylor, Jennifer Kennedy, was killed in a car accident.  I struggled with all this for years.  My guilt and confusion about God was overwhelming at times.  Poor Jim was dating me through all of it.  He was a nice spiritual rock to be around since I was asking a lot of questions.

I finally decided that there is no way my loving God could be responsible for, or plan, the evil and senselessly horrible things that happen in our world.  Evil is simply out there.  Sometimes it embodies a person, and sometimes it becomes a situation.  The God I believe in and love would not purposely create pain or take Jim from Sarah (or Sarah from Jim).  Of course, this does take God a little bit further away from my everyday life.  But, that’s ok.  I still know He is always there loving us and within everyone I meet.

My favorite picture from our wedding.

Before Jim’s diagnosis, most of my prayers were short thank yous or trying to stay still enough to listen.  After his diagnosis, I did start making requests, but mostly they weren’t for his direct healing.  Jim deserved the credit for the work he was doing to rid his body of cancer.  I did ask occasionally, almost accidentally, but I didn’t want to set myself up to hate God.  At night, sometimes I would lay my hand on Jim and ask God to use me to take away any of Jim’s pain or confusion.  Most prayers were for us to be able to handle the situation, and for strength and grace.  These are still my prayers…

  1. March 9, 2012 at 9:38 am

    I am so inspired by your faith and honesty. I am blessed to have been a part of your life at Baylor. I pray for your healing and your strength to continue. I know that God has great things in store for you! Andrew and I send our hugs, peace, encouragement, love and prayers. Thank you for the insight. God is an awesome God. Psalm 25:4-5
    Carrie Willis Leach
    Northland Christian School

    • March 22, 2012 at 6:31 am

      Thank you so much for your comment. I really appreciate what you said, and your prayers. I just hope God has something nicer in my future, it doesn’t even have to be great. 🙂 Reading my bible (the one I used for classes at Baylor), and going to sunday school at a wonderful church has really helped.

      Sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you. I’ve been doing a ton of reading. I sometimes go through peroids where I find it hard to reach out, so I bury myself in books until I get through it. I think I’m on the other side now.

      It is truely wonderful to hear from you. I hope you and Andrew are doing well. Hugs to you both.

      With love,

  2. March 19, 2012 at 4:06 pm

    We met at the Johnson City Writes workshop on Feb. 29. I am following your blog and just wanted to say hi. You definitely are an inspiration. Blogging is amazing in that I think it helps us process what’s going on in our lives, and also, in a way, motivates us. Also, by the way, I didn’t know any of the yogurt shop victims but I did know Eliza’s father. The greater Austin community is rather small, isn’t it?

    Jill Wiggins

    • March 22, 2012 at 6:43 am

      Hi Jill,
      I know this blog has helped me process my world at least once a week. It definately helps move me forward, and with Sarah, I can’t afford to stagnate.

      I can’t believe you knew Eliza’s father. I don’t think I wrote this in my blog: I sat in her seat in a different English class, and my poor teacher kept calling me “Eliza.” We both were unnerved when she did it, but sometimes she wouldn’t realize she had done it until she heard the silence of the classroom. Their deaths affected so many of us so very deeply.

      Thanks for wanting to follow my little blog.


  3. Heidi Lee
    March 22, 2012 at 9:28 am

    Wow, I don’t really know what else to say other than I needed to read this today. My spirit is a bit broken and you helped put things in perspective. I still pray for you and your family every morning. I think sometimes it must be out of habit from when I was praying for Jim and other days I think it must be because you still weigh so heavy on my heart. I am glad that you have continued to blog and are willing to share with others.

    • March 22, 2012 at 12:34 pm

      It makes me feel so good that I could have helped you in any way. That’s one of the main reasons I continue to blog. The other reason is to force myself to look at a big “issue” from the past week and think it through. You are kind enough to read my ruminations.

      Thank you for your continued prayers. You know I still need it. Sorry that you are feeling low. I think I’ll return the favor and send a few prayers your way too. I am figuring out that most people walking around are “walking wounded” in some way, and they are still walking. If you look at it that way, you don’t feel so alone.

      With love,

      • Heidi Lee
        March 22, 2012 at 3:09 pm

        Thanks Beckie.
        I agree, and I appreciate your kind words and prayers.

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