Shared memories

Since I was with Jim for the last half of my life, it feels as if half my history has disappeared.  A slate wiped clean.  It is the weirdest feeling.  It’s as if I’m opening my mouth to say something, and then shutting it because no one else in the room will know what I’m talking about.  Physically, it feels like a hole or a blind-spot just over my shoulder.  I’m not writing this to garner sympathy, but maybe empathy so that others may be warned of this odd feeling.

It’s incredibly frustrating to me when it comes to Sarah not remembering doing things with Jim.  I want her to remember her daddy, and us as a family unit.  I want so much for her to remember, and talk about him with her.  But, she can’t.  However, I have found a bright-spot.  She may not remember specific memories, but she knows him.  I can tell she still feels Jim in the way she says, “I mi my dad,” or “ni-ni Daddy,” or even the way she hugs his picture and pats my little statuette of a couple dancing.

I’ll finally own up that I had something odd happen about two weeks ago.  I was moving some things around in the storage shed when my heart started to pound.  You could actually see my chest moving.  It looked crazy.  Then, my neck started to hurt from the pressure.  I locked the shed and drove straight to the doctor’s office.  Of course, it stopped about 10 seconds after I sat down in the waiting room.  Dr. Ramsey saw me about 45 minutes after it happened, I had almost fallen asleep waiting for him, and my heartbeat was still around 100.  So, he put me on a Holter monitor the next day.  I didn’t have another major pounding episode, but it turns out I have a slight arrhythmia (irregular heartbeat) and am occasionally tachy (fast heartbeat).  (Me, tacky?  🙂 )  I’ll start low-dose beta-blockers next week.

What little research I’ve done suggests it’s from stress.  There are no heart issues anywhere in my family.  Personally, I’ve been expecting some physical something to happen to my body due to losing Jim.  Looks like the first something finally popped up.  Of course it’s my heart.


And they thought she might not get up on stage…

Compared to the other kids, Sarah’s ant march is more of a dance.


It was her bowing after each song that had the other parents, and me, really laughing!


The other kids just stepped their feet out for the “feet apart” part of the song. Not my little bunny.

  1. Susan Hill
    May 22, 2012 at 7:41 am

    Dear Becky: It was 33 years ago that my husband passed away. It was the day after our 4th wedding anniversary and Melissa was 16 months old. She doesn’t remember her dad, but I made sure she saw pictures of him and knew who he was. I also told her stories about how he was there for her birth and how proud he was of her. I felt that Melissa was cheated out of getting to know her dad, and her dad was cheated out of getting to know her. He wasn’t able to give her advise or see the beautiful woman she has become, but I now feel that God has allowed him glimpses of her life. I don’t know if I could be a comfort to you, but if you want someone to talk to, I would certainly be that shoulder.

    Blessings to you and Sweet Sarah,


    • May 22, 2012 at 8:07 am

      Cheated is the exact right word. I’m sure you could feel my frustration in this last post. There were so many things I was looking forward to him teaching her, that I can’t. I do tell her how Jim is proud of her. But, sometimes I think it confuses and saddens her. This past week, she walked up to me and said, “My daddy gone. I’m sad. I miss him.” As I’m hugging her, and saying “me too,” I’m crumbling inside. And it’s never going to end, but I try not to think on that. I’m so sorry you understand. Thank you for your offer. I may call on you sometime.

  2. Billie Cooper
    May 22, 2012 at 8:04 am

    Hi Beckie,
    The pictures of Sarah are a delight and she is beautiful.

    • May 22, 2012 at 8:06 am

      Thanks. She’s a hoot once music starts playing!

  3. Betty McNallen
    May 22, 2012 at 9:38 am

    I experienced the same group of feelings when my firsst husband and I divorced. My memories were shattered and I felt a deep loss. I can now talk of my own memories during that period of time, but there was a time when I felt blank.

    • May 22, 2012 at 10:12 pm

      I hadn’t thought of it in the sense of a divorce, but of course you would have the same feelings. Probably betrayal too. I even feel as if life betrayed me. I’ve been in one state or another of shock since Sarah turned one. I’m very afraid that will cloud and obscure my memories of her. I don’t want to “blank” her out though.

  4. Jayne Field
    May 22, 2012 at 11:34 am

    Miss Sarah may become quite the little actress. So cute.
    And You, Beckie!!! How smart you were to head to the doctor right away. I know you will stay on top of this because your attention to details of any kind is acute. And as always, your honest sharing of this journey opens my eyes to issues I have never experienced.

  5. May 22, 2012 at 10:23 pm

    Every review I ever received mentioned my particular affinity for details… I have to pay attention to me now because I don’t have an option, because Sarah doesn’t have an option. FYI – I am also having an endoscopy done on Thursday morning to see how my esophagus is doing since not much has been done with it since it stopped 5 years ago. Thank you for appreciating my probably too-honest blog this time.

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