Home > Bragging on Sarah, Educational, Inspirational > In my mind’s eye

In my mind’s eye

“The paradox of reality is that no image is as compelling as the one which exists only in the mind’s eye.”  – Shana Alexander

4:00 pm – Sunlight in the house shows it is that time of day again.  I could hear three heavy boot steps on the front porch, then the jangle of keys.  Before I could shake off the daydream, I remember asking my happily-frozen Sarah if she knew who was at the front door, and her yelling, “Daddy!” as her feet slapped our wooden floor while running to greet Jim.

It’s odd.  Suddenly I can “hear” Jim at the times of day I should hear him.  When I wake up, it’s the shower curtain or hairdryer.  When I’m in the kitchen, at dinner-time, it’s his wedding ring spinning and hitting the floor behind me in the dining room or the sound of glasses clinking.  His solid, heavy boot steps on our wood floors must be what I long for the most, because it’s what I “hear” the most.  I’m guessing something is opening up in me that I had slammed shut and sealed off. 

I do know I’m not going nuts.  From what I’ve researched, this “echo” is just me trying to keep Jim around a little longer.  It’s a rather nice feeling, healthy reaction.  I’m simply going with it until it stops.  No pushing, no pulling.  The Behavioural Neurotherapy Clinic wrote, Grief and the grieving process, and mentions this particular cognitive response.  If you need it, I recommend reading this very good and thorough discussion on grief.

Sarah is really patient.

Sarah:  Sarah’s preschool, Stonewall Head Start, had an end-of-the-year carnival last week.  I got to be the balloon clown’s assistant.  (I can now make swords, ladybugs, flowers and airplanes.  Plus, I accidentally created a dragonfly that the clown was quite happy about.)  When Sarah walked up to the balloon clown, she didn’t even see me standing there!  Her eyes were huge and full of curiosity.  However, I think she liked the “go-fish” station the best.  Yup, she is her father’s daughter…

Don’t you love how she is trying to keep me from tickling her?

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  1. Joni Topper
    May 29, 2012 at 8:28 pm

    I love the way you express your experiences thru this process. I must admit that I have lived these 54 years with very little loss in my immediate family. I have lost grandparents but it was when I was an adult and that was not like losing someone who lives in your household. I lost a niece when she was 13. My grieving then was as much for my daughter who was also 13 and my sister and my parents as it was for my niece. Although I loved her dearly I experienced the loss as it effected those still living most of all. When Debbie lost her husband Bill recently I suddenly began to feel somewhat vulnerable in a way that I had never experienced before. Somehow I know that when the inevitable comes to be one of my life experiences, I will remember many of these things you have written and feel a little less lost.

    • May 30, 2012 at 11:07 pm

      Thank you so much for telling me that Joni. It’s exactly why I’m doing this. While I fully realize that everyone will handle very personal grief in different ways, I want to show what I am dealing with in “real-time.” Not that I’m special, just as an example.

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