Home > Beckie, Bragging on Sarah, Inspirational > We made it through the first year

We made it through the first year

No more “year of first’s.”  I made it through the first part of this week pretty much on autopilot.  Trying not to think of what it was like a year ago, or what it should be like today.  I’m starting to think a little better today.

Last night, on the way to bed, I asked Sarah about the night Jim passed away.  (I have only asked once before because I don’t like the idea of bringing up bad memories on purpose.  That response is on an earlier post.)  First, I asked if she remembered her daddy leaving the house with a lot of people.  She frowned, and after a moment said, “No.”  Ok, good, I was hoping she wouldn’t remember that.  Next, I asked if she remembered waking up (exactly when Jim was passing) when my parents were with her.  She said, “Yes.”  I asked what woke her up.  She just looked at me.  Then, without really thinking about it, I asked who woke her up.  She smiled and said, “You.”  Hmmm.    I told her I heard she was really mad (more like instant, long-lasting, foot-stomping, crying pissed-off) when she woke up, and I asked if she remembered why.  She said, “I didn’t want to lose you too.”  After my jaw dropped and the tears hit my eyes, I hugged her and said, “Well, you didn’t, did you?”  And she smiled at me again. 

I’m not huge on the super-natural stuff, so what she said can be explained two ways.  First, I know she knew Jim was changing that last week, she actually did remember Jim leaving the house and was applying all that, or part, to me too.   Second, and here’s the teeny-tiny super-naturalish part, Sarah may have had enough of a bond with me or Jim or both that she felt what was happening in Fredericksburg.  It’s not completely unheard of, and I have always felt the moment Sarah falls asleep, so I know we have a strong bond.  No matter what, I probably won’t ever really know.  I wish I could though.

(Sorry this is late.   I just had to write an emergency recommendation letter for a friend of mine who the government is trying to deport.  The second friend of mine the government has done this to, and they are both amazing men.  Both caught in a net not meant for them.)

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  1. sue cowan
    September 27, 2012 at 6:18 pm

    Beckie, You and Sarah have been on my mind all week. You have done a wonderful job of being the mother that Sarah needed this year and accepting the reality of losing Jim. When Howard and I discuss it, we still can’t believe it and certainly don’t understand it. I am glad that you know that God has been and will continue to walk each step in this life with you and with Sarah. We will continue to remember you and Sarah and continue praying for you and your future. I hope that you will continue to blog. Stay strong and give Sarah a hug for us.

  2. gtc0
    October 3, 2012 at 9:02 pm

    Beckie,

    I just wanted to echo what my mom said. Teresa and I read your posts and often think of you and your family. Given that you and Jim were married the same time as us and Garrison and Sarah are close in age, its sometimes hard to think about and comprehend. In fact, I just allowed myself to read the post about your VBS week. Teresa read it a while back, but for some reason, I couldn’t do it knowing it was going to be a hard one. Of course, I am glad I did. You have a remarkable gift of writing and expressing yourself.

    We hope you and Sarah are doing well and have a wonderful fall. I know Jim liked this time of year (hunting season!)

    Take care and God bless.

    Greg

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